THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF POTOMAC -- "Trouble in Paradise" Episode 416 -- Pictured: (l-r) Ashley Boalch Darby, Candiace Dillard Bassett -- (Photo by: Greg Endries/Bravo)
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RHOP Recap: Gone Girl

Before I dive back into everything Potomac, let’s get one thing straight: Ashley Darby is an asshole. Not only is she insufferable, annoying and gag-worthy for staying with her creepy husband who wants to suck dick like a five-year-old wants to suck a lollipop but also for the way she treated Katie.

For as long as this show has been on the air, Ashley and her forehead took it upon themselves to be messier than a Detroit crack house and come for anybody with limbs on this franchise, however, when the shady energy got directed back at her after her closeted husband started bringing his rapey behavior around the cameras, then she didn’t want anybody intruding in her business. That’s not how it works. If you are going to be at the helm of everyone else’s mess on this show then you need to buck the fuck up and take it just as hard as you threw it. Not only is Ashley a hypocrite but as Katie said, she’s also an idiot.

Everyone in this group has been laughing about Michael’s scandal and throwing more shade than a palm tree, so Ashley should take the aggressive energy she was giving Katie and give it to each and every member of the cast, especially her “friend” Gizelle who almost has an orgasm whenever the Michael subject comes up over cocktails. The beard of the group attacking Katie and her wigs was low hanging fruit due to Katie’s current mental state and the fact that it wasn’t THAT big of an issue, to begin with. Ashley can pretend like Katie triggered her trust issues from her deadbeat dad, but that’s only an excuse for being a complete asshole.

Was Katie using some kind of illegal substance at the time of filming? That’s none of my business. Was she in a very dark place? Yes, but she was still logical and made perfect sense with everything she had to say to Ashley. I’m # TeamKatie until the fucking end. I love everything about Katie Rost, she served us snark and shade all season with a slightly medicated attitude in a cheap Halloween wig. Can you ask for anything more? And for the record, the Darby’s trash Australian restaurant officially closed it’s doors a couple of months ago, so clearly, something Katie was saying about their business was correct. Also, I’m in no way shading Katie’s potential drug use this season because I want whatever that girl is having. Sign me the fuck up.

For a group that is so obsessed with trying to “heal” their friendships with each other, they have a funny way of showing it. If Gizelle actually wanted to be Karen’s friend as much as she’s telling everyone she does, then you would think she wouldn’t be alleging that Karen doesn’t own her business the morning after they made up. Gizelle doesn’t care about having friends, she cares about making great TV while trying to be the funny, messy matriarch in the process but saying the Grand Dame doesn’t own her perfume company was just sad to watch and shows how miserable this girl must be. If she spent as much time worrying about her own life as she does about everyone else’s, then maybe Sherman would still be around.

Gizelle and Ashley are insufferable to me and I couldn’t agree less with their behavior during any interaction they have with someone else on the cast and even Gizelle’s partner in crime, Green-Eyed Bandit #2, is starting to get tired of her calculated, messy ways. I’m not saying fire Gizelle because her shit-stirring makes the show but she is more annoying than a light that won’t turn off.

Don’t get me wrong, this was a fun episode and I loved seeing the ladies having fun in the Cayman Islands, but not a lot happened. Ashley and Candiace fought for the 850th time and while the Brown Dick lover apologized to Ashley, Little Miss Forehead couldn’t give one back. Both these women fucked up, both of them, so Forehead should learn to say sorry and move the fuck on, instead of hovering around this dead horse of an argument like a fly ready to eat. Even when Ashley did eventually say sorry towards the end of the episode, she uttered a traditional IF apology which has been used by Housewives before her for the last decade. Saying “I’m sorry IF you were hurt” doesn’t mean shit, you need to be sorry THAT you hurt their feelings and acknowledge that your actions caused harm. Wow, it wasn’t intentional but that last sentence sounds like something Dr. Phil would say to a 13-year-old girl who’s addicted to vaping.

Oh, before I forget, Robyn finally confronted Gizelle about being an attention seeking asshole at her open house event and instead of fighting back and forth to escalate the issue, Gizelle immediately profusely apologized to her best friend and believe it or not, it made me actually like Green Eyed Bandit #1. You could tell she really cared about hurting her friend’s feeling, something I’ve never seen from Gizelle in the past and I’m just glad Robyn was able to stand up for herself.

Aside from Ashley being an asshole to Katie, quasi making up with Candiace and Robyn confronting Gizelle, the rest of the episode was mostly dedicated to Katie going missing. She basically refused to participate in any of the activities for the day and then skipped out of dinner to sit in her room and play Candy Crush on her cracked iPhone. Before she spent her night inside her hotel room for unknown reasons, Katie told the other girls she wasn’t feeling well and they concluded she may be pregnant considering she has unprotected sex and missed her period.

As much as I love Katie I want to rip her wig off. She has an unemployed 25-year-old live-in boyfriend who she has unprotected sex with and doesn’t really seem to give a fuck about potentially ending up with a child. Come on Katie, this is the behavior I would expect from Ashley’s mother, however, the whole scene was darkened by the fact that Katie did in fact have a miscarriage after filming. When the girls finally decided to check on Katie, she took her sweet time coming to answer the door and opened it a crack to tell them she was fine while wearing a scarf and jacket – while in a tropical location. To say that something is going on with Katie is the understatement of the century. The next morning, to add to the weirdness Katie’s room was empty with the door wide open and the hotel claiming she hadn’t checked out.

On one hand, it’s a major safety concern for everyone to have an emotionally unstable cast member missing in a foreign country, but on the other, it gives me major Gone Girl vibes and I am more than ready for that spinoff with Katie faking her own death and escaping to Cuba. Honestly, nothing earns you more respect than being able to make yourself successfully go missing and if anyone can Gone Girl themselves in this group, it’s the ball and gala girl.

Sam Allen

Written by Sam Allen

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