THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF POTOMAC -- "Trouble in Paradise" Episode 416 -- Pictured: (l-r) Karen Huger, Robyn Dixon, Candiace Dillard Bassett -- (Photo by: Greg Endries/Bravo)
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RHOP Recap: Trouble In Paradise

Katie pulling a Gone Girl and disappearing in the middle of the night without telling her cast members is such a boss move and probably also a Housewives first. Has any other Housewife gone MIA in a foreign country without even checking out of the hotel? Because I think Katie can hold the crown for this one.

Gizelle woke up to check on Katie, to find her hotel door wide open with all her belongings gone, however, the front desk said she hadn’t checked out which begs the question: what the fuck happened to Katie? Was she dead in a ditch? Did she get abducted by a human trafficking ring leader? Or, did she simply just pack up her stuff and head to the airport? Instead of asking the security team, Gizelle decided to run along the beach looking for Katie while alerting all the other girls about her disappearance. Did Gizelle really think she was going to find Katie with her witness protection wigs and all her suitcases just sitting on the beach? Does that make sense to anyone? If her suitcases are gone, then obviously the bitch has a flight to catch.

Getting into other’s business is Gizelle’s only storyline on the show, so Katie going missing almost made the Green-Eyed Bandit wet her pants because it gave her an activity to fill her day with and a reason to be mad. Following the five minute search on the beach, the front desk told her Katie had been located by security and had spoken to the show’s producer. So the producers really just watched Gizelle and Robyn go on a wild goose chase when they knew where Katie was the entire time, even they can’t stand Gizelle. The cameraman, producers, security and rest of production all knew Katie was at the airport and just didn’t care enough to pass that critical information onto the person who they were filming looking for the lost Housewife. Well, a friend of the Housewives.

Honestly, I don’t blame Katie. Obviously, she didn’t want to be around this group of women and she got the fuck out of the Cayman Islands faster than she arrived there. Should she have told someone she was leaving? Yes. Was it weird she was wearing a bubble jacket in the middle of the night? Absolutely. But is Katie of sound mind? Fuck no. My biggest question is why couldn’t she at least check out of the hotel, that’s just common decency. Gizelle can’t hold Katie’s behavior against her or get mad about her fleeing, because guess what? It’s not about Gizelle and piling on in this troubling time isn’t going to help any of the parties involved. Can we all agree Katie left because of Ashley? Before the beard of the group insulted Katie’s mental strength and fought with her about an irrelevant beef, Katie was fun, drinking and kicking back in her wigs until Ashley opened her big dumb mouth.

Word can’t describe how fucking insufferable this little girl is. She complains all season about all the women coming after her husband when all she’s done is spend years saying their husbands were broke, cheating or both. However, in the same breath of air about wanting everybody to support her, she attacks Katie, the weakest one in the group, and blames it all on her trust issues. Does this make any sense to you? Ashley is a hypocrite and not even an entertaining one. She wanted to deflect all the attention she was getting back onto Katie and Little Miss Forehead definitely does not feel bad about what she did to the friend, because she is just as good at lying as she is at telling the truth. This among many other things is what triggered Katie to leave but somehow Gizelle wanted to blame it on Karen.

Instead of berating Ashley for her harsh and redundant words to Katie, Gizelle not only defended the dumb hoe but decided to blame Karen for not speaking up about the unstable cast member wearing a jacket when she went to her room. Is this a fucking joke? Is this real? Did Gizelle really just say that? So, you won’t blame the person that spent an entire night abusing Katie for being the reason she left, but you will blame Karen for not thinking she was leaving when she saw her wearing a jacket? Does Gizelle smoke meth before she heads to filming because she has less logic than her big foreheaded friend. If Katie’s wigs are anything to go by then obviously she’s not the best judge of what to put on her body, so she could’ve been wearing a bikini in an igloo and it wouldn’t seem that strange, let alone a jacket in her room.

While Katie was on the first flight back to America, (most of) the ladies rode horses through water before they split off into groups to either run around a salt cave or go underwater in a submarine. Watching the women going on their little excursions is interesting and great promotion for the Cayman Islands but it’s also like watching paint dry. Nobody gives a fuck. Riding a horse through water not only sounds boring but dangerous because it’s hard enough to control those things dry land, let alone in the ocean. However, the most annoying part of the entire day was Ashley saying she didn’t want to ride the horse because it’s inhumane. Bitch what?

Is she getting her facts from the same place she found that mangy confessional wig? People have been riding horses for centuries and it’s basically their job to walk around with people on their back. Yes, it’s cruel if it’s in a racing environment but not if they’re going for a nice stroll on the beach. How is it inhumane to ride a horse but not inhumane to eat an animal, wear an animal or emotionally abuse your mentally unstable friend? Clearly, Ashley needs a dictionary just as much as she needs a divorce from her 80-year-old husband because what she did to Katie was far more inhumane than riding a horse in the water. Following their day of adventures, the girls came together to get drunk and turn the fuck up.

It’s clear most of the women in the group can’t stand each other, however, they do have a bond together and that’s what makes the show entertaining. Everybody has finally formed some level of friendship or they at least respect each other enough to fight about their differences but also to sort them out. Karen Huger came to play for the group’s final day in the Caymans. She did some shots, taught the girls how to kiss and put Little Miss Forehead in her place. First things first, Karen’s kissing technique may have looked disgusting outside of her mouth, but I can guarantee you, it would feel great in the Black Bill Gates’ mouth. Seeing her explain how to suck her husband’s tongue, with her own, was riveting television and I definitely want to test out that skill the next time I’m making out with someone. Who taught Karen that? Gene Simmons?

As fun as Kissing with Karen 101 was for the ladies, the fun, of course, didn’t last long. In a real-life, drunken off-camera moment, Karen tried to speak to Ashley about their friendship but said they couldn’t move forward until Michael was vindicated of grabbing a booty. From that one sentence, Ashley started screaming her afro off, but why the fuck is she so mad? Michael admitted to making contact with the cameraman and that contact turned into a sexual assault charge. We heard the cameraman telling him not to touch his ass and Michael admitted to contact, so whether the charges were dropped or not, he did it. He grabbed a butt and as a victim, Karen has every right to feel how she wants to feel about it. Karen was speaking FACTS.

Ashley, on the other hand, looked like an idiot. We all know Michael grabbed an ass and wanted to suck someone’s dick (*cough* Juan *cough*) so what’s her motivation for staying with him? All their scenes are fake and contrived, he’s more bland than a baked potato, he looks like a rapey kangaroo and he constantly disrespects her with his weird sexual behavior which always involves a dick. There’s nothing wrong with a bisexual man, but there is with a cheating man. The only logical reason for Ashley to stay with Michael is money. Whenever anyone approaches her about the “allegations,” Ashley talks like a long-suffering politicians wife who’s accused of fucking his assistant and it’s clearer than Michael’s love for dick that she’s lying through her teeth.

Honestly, I don’t even care enough to dissect the situation. Karen spoke facts about sexual assault and Ashley continued to look like the same idiot she’s been all season. I thought it was impossible for this woman to look any more moronic than she already does but I was wrong, because nobody with a brain would choose to get pregnant to a man that was charged with sexually assaulting someone else. It’s dumb, it’s weird and above all else, it’s just sad. The thought of them having sex to even create the baby sickens me and this child is just a joke in a marriage that is more demented than Katie’s wigs. Ashley chose this life and in five years when she’s off reality TV and her husband is fucking his way across the eastern seaboard on a “business” trip, the only person she’ll have to blame is herself.

Sam Allen

Written by Sam Allen

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